Are We Really Attracted To Competent People

All things being equal, experts generally agree that we tend to like competent people especially when they become relevant in our lives. This includes our parents, teachers, doctors, electrician, investment broker, auto mechanic, etc. The opposite is also true. As much as we are attracted to competent people, we are repelled from people who are candidates for the Darwin Awards.

When you become relevant in a person’s life, they will like you more or less based on your level of competence in the area where you’re relevant. If you’re an auto mechanic, they will judge you on your knowledge of cars. If you’re a teacher, they will judge you on your knowledge of the subject you teach and your ability to teach that subject. If you’re a potential spouse, they will judge you on a whole host of factors, none of which you’ll be able to live up to of course.

Here are a few things you can do to build your competence and likeability.

Do what you do better than anyone else

Walt Disney was supposedly quoted as saying, “Do what you do so well, that people want to see you do it again. And not only do they want to see you do it again, but they want to show their friends what it is that you do so well.”

People who are experts in their field, don’t just act like experts, they are the experts. They do what they do so well that they create an overwhelming demand for their time and their service. They become trusted and well liked celebrities in their field.

Become an expert in your field

Earl Nightingale, the inspirational author of “The Strangest Secret,” noted that anyone could become an expert in a very short time. His premise was that if you focused on learning any single subject for one hour a day every day for a year, it would be the equivalent of going to class for eight hours a day, five days a week for almost two and a half months. If you did the same thing for five years, it would be the equivalent of going to class every day for a year.

According to Earl Nightingale, if you dedicated just one hour a day to the study of your passion, you would quickly find yourself in the top one tenth of one percent in your field in a very short time. And today, with universal access to the Internet, there is virtually no reason you can’t achieve that level of expertise even without going back to school.

Look the part

People who are experts in their field look the part. Batman, Wonder Woman and Spider-Man are all good examples. They’re believable characters because they dress like you would expect a superhero to dress. If you don’t look the part, people are not going to find you credible.

It’s important to note that even superheros don’t wear their superhero outfits day and night. They play off-duty roles including newpaper reporter, freelance photographer and multi-millionaires. They dress the part when they want to project the part, even they’re involved in everyday activities. That’s why I wear a suit and tie when I give public presenations and a Superman cape when I go to county to pick-up my meds. I’m teasing of course, I don’t acturally wear a suit and tie. How silly.

There is a huge credibility gap when people or things don’t look like what you expect them to look like. You may remember the crash of Value Jet flight 592 on May 11, 1996. The flight was en route from Miami to Atlanta (a route I often flew) when the low cost carrier went down in the Everglades killing all 110 people on board. The thing that immediately stuck me when I heard about the accident was a promise I made to myself just a few months earlier.

After seeing a Value Jet cartoon logo painted on the tail of their planes, I made a promise that I would not fly Value Jet no matter how deeply they discounted their fares. I found it difficult to place my trust and my life in an airline that used a cartoon as their mascot. It conveyed a feeling of cheap and dangerous, not the feeling of safe and secure that you would expect from an airline. As it turned out, my intuition was right.

Speak the Part

One of the easiest ways to look smart is to not look stupid. Mark Twain is quoted as saying, “It’s better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” This is great advice that has been ignored by well-known American political figures for years.

Here are a few examples of stupid things people have said that didn’t do much for enhancing their perception with the American public.

“If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”
Gerald Ford

“Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
Mayor Marion Barry

“This is a great day for France.”
President Richard Nixon attending Charles de Gaulle’s funeral

“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”
V.P Dan Quayle

If you’re not an expert on the subject being discussed, don’t try to pretend that you are an expert. There is nothing more irritating and off-putting than listening to someone speak with authority who has no knowledge of the subject. Have you ever watched a Congressional hearing on TV? Point, match, game!

And, if you do or say something that looks or sounds stupid, don’t try to hide it. No one likes a person who takes him or herself too seriously. On the contrary, we do like people who can laugh at themselves when they make a mistake.

Professional debaters understand this principle better than anyone. Here are the rules followed by the great debaters and politicians of our time.

• Don’t say anything stupid.
• Talk about what you know.
• Don’t say anything stupid.

There is a time to share what you know and there is a time to ask questions. Smart, competent people know the difference, and you do too.

Engaging Conversation Using Cautious Curiosity

As I child I was interested in learning how things worked. On any given day you could walk into my bedroom and find what started out to be a perfectly good transistor radio, toaster or cuckoo clock sprawled out in little pieces on my desk. I was so curious about how these things worked that I decided to go to collage and become an engineer.

People Are More Interesting

But it wasn’t until my senior year that my curiosity took a 180-degree turn. For you non-engineers, that means a complete turn-around. After four years of studying subjects like math, physics and thermodynamics, I had an opportunity to take an elective class on engineering management. It was the study of how to manage engineers. Not actual people of course, but engineers.

Gems from a Missouri Farmer

Our first assignment was to read a book that was written by a Missouri farmer almost 50 years earlier. It was entitled, “How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I couldn’t put it down.

Almost overnight I became more curious about how people worked, than with how things worked. Not only did I read and re-read what Dale Carnegie taught about winning friends and influencing people, but I took it upon myself to test his techniques at every opportunity.

I started by introducing myself to 10 new people everyday with the purpose of learning their name along with something interesting about them. It was not easy at first, because I didn’t know how people were going to respond to my open and inquisitive nature. What I discovered, however, was that virtually everyone I met was delighted to have an opportunity to talk about themselves.

100 People In One Day

By the end of the semester I was arguably the most well known student on campus. I made more friends in three months than I made in my entire life up until that point in time, thanks to Dale Carnegie. On one particular day I counted more than 100 different students using my name when they greeted me on campus, which was a far cry from the one or two people who shouted my name just a few months earlier, and they both worked for the campus police department.

What I learned from “How To Win Friends And Influence People,” was how to take my natural curiosity of wanting to understand how things worked, and use it to understand how people worked. And it was a lot more fun.

The Gift of Curiosity

Eleanor Roosevelt once wrote, “I think if a mother could ask her fairy godmother to endow her child with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity.” I couldn’t agree more. Curiosity is what causes us to act on our interests in the understanding of people and things. And when we do it with people, we’re offering them the rare and intangible gift of interest and understanding.

We like people who find us interesting. We like people who pay attention to us. We like people who make us feel special. We like people who take the time to talk to us and try to figure us out.

When you approach someone with genuine curiosity and the desire to open them up and see what’s inside, it’s easy to ask questions and generate interesting conversation. Everyone likes to talk about himself to one extent or the other. The problem is, you can take your curiosity, and questioning, too far. Even a cat approaches a window fan with caution.

Watch Out for Soft Spots

Not everyone is as willing to talk about different aspect of his life to the extent you are. Asking someone if they’ve ever been in jail or cheated on their spouse or a whole host of other questions should be considered off limits, at least at first.

You should never ask someone something about himself if you’re not willing to answer the same question in return. And, just because you’re comfortable answering a question about a touchy subject does not mean that someone else will be comfortable answering the same question. The key is to be cautiously curious about others and to be willingly open in return. That’s the essence of great conversation and it’s one of the ways to spark likeability.

Treat People Like Toasters?

The other thing to consider when demonstrating cautious curiosity with someone is to examine him or her in the same way you would examine a toaster. When you crack open a new toaster and try to figure out how it works, you don’t argue or disagree with it. It serves no purpose. The same is true with people. If you genuinely want to get to know someone, save the argument and start the research.

The next time you meet someone, practice cautious curiosity and notice how easy the conversation flows. In doing so, you will find them half as interesting as they find you. If you are an engineer, that means they will find you twice as interesting as they would otherwise.

Likeability Is A Journey Not A Destination

The state of Hawaii (and most other states) will not issue a drivers license to anyone until they’ve attend an approved driving class, driven 50 hours on a temporarily permit with a qualified driver and passed a comprehensive written exam and an on-road driving test. Then, in order to keep your license, you must be able to prove to the police and other drivers that you understand and practice the rules of the road. But, there are absolutely no rules or training required by the state if you want to have and raise children.

Now, I’m not advocating that people should be required by law to get a child-license before being allowed to have children or that we as a community should not require drivers to prove themselves worthy before giving them the keys to a car. What I am suggesting is that there are life skills that are much more important to our success and happiness than driving a car, and we do virtually nothing to learn these skill ourselves, or teach them to our children.

Happiness, Health and Longevity

Study after study shows that likable children and likable adults are happier, healthier and they live longer than their counterparts. These studies do not show the same results for smart people or rich people even though these are the skills we emphasis in school. Again, there is nothing wrong with being smart and rich; both are great. But imagine if you could be smart and rich and happy and healthy and live a longer more productive life at the same time. That sounds like success.

No one is born likable. The gods do not descend from the heavens and bestow the gift of happiness, health and longevity through likeability onto any of us.

We are not taught how to be likable in school even though the skill is easy to teach and immensely valuable. As far as I know, not a single school system in the country has made it a priority to teach this life skill to their students.

Imitation is the mother of learning

We learn how to be likable through imitating others including our parents, friends and teachers. We watch what they’re doing, we see the results of their behavior and we imitate them to the best of our ability. And this is as it should be, but there’s a better way.

The things that make people likable are not always easy to understand. You may like someone based on how they look or how they look at you, or dislike them for something as silly as their skin color, their accent or their political views. The reasons people like or dislike you don’t always make sense and they’re seldom politically correct.

We dislike the people we hurt

For example, we tend to dislike the people we hurt, even if we hurt them on accident. This helps explains why people who are taken to the hospital after a car accident seldom hear from the person who caused the accident. As time goes on, the person who caused the accident will justify why they hit the other person and mentally make it their fault. In the process they will also come to dislike this person for causing them inconvenience and mental anguish even though the person they hurt was not at fault and is enduring much greater pain.

Learning how to be likable is a journey. You can only start from where you are today and more forward from there. Here are the four things you can do to begin your journey immediately.

Step One

Start by understanding that being likable is not a selfish act. You will soon discover that the most likable people in the world have a knack for helping people like themselves. They do it in many different ways, and none of them are selfish.

Step Two

The second thing you’ll have to get comfortable with is that people are going to treat you differently. Once you develop the reputation for being likable, you’ll start to notice that everyone around you will like you back. They will try to hire you, buy from you, work for you, befriend you and refer you to their friends. Your life will be different, better.

Step Three

Next, it’s important to understand that there are dozens of reasons people will like you, and they are all based on how you make people feel about themselves. Take a good hard look at the people you like and list why you like them. Some of your reasons are going to look ridiculous but it doesn’t matter. If you can identify a reason why you like someone, there is a good chance others are going to like you for the same reason.

It’s just as important, and maybe even more important to identify the characteristics of the people you don’t like. Pay very close attention and avoid coming across in the same way. It could be how they smell, how they look at you, how they treat other people, etc. Identify their unlikable characteristic and eliminate it from your personality.

Likeability is a Game … Know the rules

Likeability is a game you play with people every minute of every day and the winner takes home all the chips. The best part of this game is that everyone you play with will share in your reward. If you’re going to play the game, and you are, you might as well understand the rules and use them to your advantage.

Personal Branding On Your Website

Peter Montoya is the author of the book, “The Brand Called You.” He believes, as do I, that the primary step toward building a successful business relationship is to build a personal relationship at the same time. He is so good at doing it in fact, that he was able to develop a relationship with me over the course of just three days … before he ever knew I existed. Here’s how he did it.

I first learned of Peter Montoya at the Boarders Books store near my home. As I was browsing through the business section looking for an interesting guest to interview for my marketing show, “The Brand Called You” jumped off the shelf into my hands. “If you want to influence how people see you,“ Peter wrote in Chapter Four, “you must tell a story about yourself that makes the reader come away as if he or she knows you.” I was hooked.

Personal Branding in Three Days

I walked to the checkout counter with Peter’s book in hand. Over the next three days he answered hundreds of question I had concerning personal branding. He also made dozens of suggestions as to how I could incorporate those ideas into my business. His answers were straightforward and simple; yet somewhat foreign to the way I had been doing business most of my life. Early on for example, he suggested that one of the best ways to build a bond with a potential customer was to share something personal. Could something so simple and contrary to everything I believed about business really make a difference I wondered?

A Typical First Conversation

A few days later I called Peter on the telephone to ask if he would like to be a guest on the Recognized Expert Marketing Show. Within three seconds of him answering the telephone, I had the answer I was looking for. Here’s what happened.

Bob: Hi, may I speak with Peter please?

Receptionist: Certainly, may I tell him who’s calling?

Bob: Yes. Please tell him Bob Sommers is calling?

Receptionist: Of course. Just a moment Mr. Sommers.

Peter: Hi, this is Peter Montoya.

Bob: Peter, buddy, this is Bob Sommers!!! How are you?!!!

Peter: I’m fine. (silence) I’m sorry Bob, do we know each other?

Bob: (After realizing that Peter Montoya had no idea who I was.) Oh Peter I’m sorry. You don’t know me. I just finished reading your book but I feel like I’m calling one of my friends. How embarrassing.

Peter: Please don’t be embarrassed Bob. If anything you’ve just given me a great compliment. It sounds like the personal branding I wrote about in my book worked just as I intended. Thank you.

Did It Work?

You bet it worked. It worked so well that for the first five minutes we talked about his mom Denise, his brothers; Mathew, Mark, Luke and John; his wife Lynn and his two dogs Maxine and Molly. We laughed, we joked and chuckled at our similar experiences growing up Catholic. And all the while I was getting more and more comfortable with him because we had these things in common.

Study after study shows that we like people who are like us? The thought process goes something like this. If I like me, and you’re like me, I must like you too. From there it’s an easy transition to; if I trust me, and you’re like me, I must trust you too.

Had Peter not taken the risk to tell me, his reader, something personal about himself, our conversation would not have been the same. Peter made it easy for me to start and carry on an intelligent conversation by giving me the fodder about himself that I would not have had otherwise.

Don’t Be Afraid To Share Yourself

It is so easy to divulge something personal about yourself on your blog or website, but most of us don’t do it. We don’t do it because we think it isn’t appropriate. My own experience tells me otherwise.

Writing about yourself isn’t for your benefit; it’s for the benefit of your customers and prospects. I implore you to make it easy for them to get to know you, like you and trust you. Take a moment and tell the world something about yourself that makes you human. That’s where relationships … and sales begin.

Visit My “About Me” Page

If you get an opportunity, I welcome you to get to know me. I assure you my “about me” page isn’t like any other professional “about me” page you’ve seen before. And then go to the comment section and tell me what you think.

Dave The Daredevil From Daytona

Recently a friend of mine told me a story about an encounter she had with one of her co-workers when she accepted a job as the manager of IT at large technology company. On the morning of her first day of work, she attended a staff meeting where she was introduced to the other managers.

As her manager went around the conference table making introductions, she noticed a very handsome, well-dressed, well-groomed man sitting near the head of the table. As the introductions made their way around the room her manager eventually came upon this very handsome man whom she was anxious to meet.

“Now Dave”, he said with a smile, “Is one of the most brilliant people working here. Without him, our company would be in complete chaos.” With that Dave look up and said, “Hi Jan, long time no see.”

At first glance, Jan did not recognize him. But as she looked closer, scanning her memory banks, (which is what IT people do) she recognized him from her carefree days as a teenager. She remembered Dave as a long haired, cigarette smoking, motorcycle-riding friend of hers from the 60s. It had been 25 years since she’d seen him. He was the last person she’d expected to see sitting at the conference table of a Fortune 500 Company.

“Is that you Dave? Dave the Dare Devil from Daytona?” she said with a laugh in her voice. Without responding to her question directly, Dave leaned over and whispered in her ear, “A good haircut will fool them every time.”

Grooming

Psychologists have discovered that good grooming is twice as important as job qualifications when organizations decide to hire someone? Twice as important! How you present yourself before you open your mouth sets the tone for the conversation. It makes a difference in getting a job, it makes a difference in selling yourself and it makes a difference in selling your ideas.

My younger son is a very handsome guy. When he was 20 years old he wanted to get a tattoo on his wrist. Now, I don’t have anything against tattoos; as a matter of fact, I’m planning to get one myself before long. I didn’t feel it was my place to discourage him from getting his tattoo, but I did feel it was important that I help him understand how it could impact the way people treated him.

Fake Tatoo

After a brief discussion, I persuaded him to print a non-permanent replica of the tattoo with an ink pen on his arm and wear it for a few weeks before he invested in the real deal. He agreed, and quickly drew the tattoo image on his wrist.

To his surprise, he discovered that the tattoo did have an effect on the people who saw it. It had a very positive effect and turned out to be a great conversation starter. People of all ages were fascinated with his tattoo and wanted to hear the story behind it.

According to my son, and he paid very close attention to this, no one treated him badly or looked at him negatively based on the tattoo. That little test was enough to persuade him that as long as he was well groomed he was making a good decision.

Consequences

My son is not so naive as to believe that there aren’t people in this world who will look at his tattoo in a negative light. Those people do exist and he will encounter them throughout his life. The problem is, if you don’t understand the consequences of how you look, you will be forever wondering why people treat you one way while they treat the people around you differently.

Maybe you’re one of those people who haven’t paid attention to personal grooming. Maybe you’re one of those people who don’t care about your appearance. Maybe you believe that in order to express yourself honestly you aren’t going to change the way you look or dress. That’s your prerogative.

What ever your reason, the results will be the same. Poor grooming drops your chances of connecting with people by 50%, unless of course you’re trying to attract people just like you.

Who Are You Trying To Attract?

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with being known as Dave the Dare Devil from Daytona and dressing the part, as long as you understand the consequences. However, if you want to win over people who are in a position to hire you for a job that is contrary to the life and style of a cigarette smoking, motorcycle-riding kind of guy or gal, you’re going to have to adapt. You need to pay attention to how you look, how you smell and how you act.

The best advice I can give you doesn’t come from me, it comes from the great philosopher Dave who once said, “A good haircut will fool them every time.”

Why The World Despises Know-It-Alls

It’s been five years since we started production on the Recognized Expert Marketing Show. Almost 200 programs later, I’ve had a chance to step back and reflect upon my relationships with the marketing, sales and self-promotion experts who have appeared on the show.

Most of my guests have become my friends, and I’ve grown to respect and admire them for their knowledge, their kindness and their willingness to share their expertise with my listening audience. This was true with all but one of my guests. He is someone I will never forget, and not for the right reasons.

The Recognized Expert

Once you become the recognized expert in your field you have to be careful not to fall into the know-it-all trap, and that can be difficult to do.  People will treat you differently. They will say nice things about you and ask for your opinion and maybe your autograph. The media will start writing articles about you and you’ll be asked to speak at seminars and conventions. Your income will rise and you’ll find yourself in the limelight more often than not. You’re a celebrity.

Some people handle this position with dignity and grace while others take on a know-it-all posture that causes their conversation partners to recoil and strike at each opportunity.

Know-It-All

Wikipedia defines the term Know-it-all as follows:

A Know-it-all is an epithet applied to any person who exhibits the belief that he or she possesses a superior intellect and wealth of knowledge, and shows a determination to demonstrate his perceived superiority at every opportunity.

And don’t you love how the author used the word, “epithet” in the definition? If you know the definition to that word, give yourself a pat on the back. But I digress. Let’s move on.

There are three reasons we don’t like know-it-alls and they all have to do with different aspects of likeability.

First

To start, we like people who make us feel smart and we don’t like people who make us feel stupid. And yes, there are cruel people in this world who try to make others feel stupid, but that’s not the intent of most know-it-alls. These people are more concerned with trying to impress others by showing off what they know.

Problem is, in doing so they are inadvertently shutting others out by moving into a preaching mode (I speak, you listen.) This method of communication is fine in the classroom, but it’s a problem everywhere else.

Second

The second reason we have a hard time with know-it-alls is because we like ourselves more when we enhanced the lives of others. Know-it-alls don’t give us that opportunity. They seldom allow us to share our thoughts and opinions and when we do, they either ignore us or they disagree with us.

Very few people want to be involved in a relationship where they can’t contribute and don’t feel appreciated when they do.

Third

The third reason we don’t like know-it-alls is because we like people who don’t take themselves too seriously, and we feel uncomfortable around people who do. Know-it-alls are seldom wrong, but when they are wrong, their brain goes into lock-down. They are so invested in being right, that they don’t know how to handle a situation where they think they look stupid. The last thing they’ll do is laugh at themselves, which is the best thing they can do to endear themselves to others.

It’s also true that we are attracted to smart people. But, like all of the laws of likeability, you can take your smarts too far. Being perceived as smart is attractive to others, being perceived as a know-it-all is not.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Bill Federer is the author of the American Minute, a short American historical event that he broadcasts to millions of people over the radio and on the Internet every day. Today, Bill sent me a story about Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Oliver was born on, March 8, 1841. He was a Union soldier during the Civil War and he went on to become a Harvard Law School Professor. In 1902, President Theodore Roosevelt appointed him to the U.S. Supreme Court, where he served to a more advanced age than any other justice.  On his 90th birthday, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., replied to a reporter by saying:

“Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.”

Boy, what a valuable lesson my pompous guest could have learned from Mr. Holmes.

Competing with God

If you find yourself competing with God, stop. Ask yourself what it is you really want to accomplish. Do you want to be a know-it-all and have your listeners relish in your fall, or do you want to attract people who want to associate with you because you’re an interesting conversationalist?

And, if you’re wondering which of the 200 guests made such a bad impression on me, you won’t find his interview on the Recognized Expert Marketing Show. I either accidentally lost the program or intentionally erased it with glee. Maybe I should ask him what happened to the show. I’m sure he knows.

Smell And Attraction

So, what do you think? Are you attracted or repelled to someone based on how they smell … and if so, to what extent?

We’re all either positively or negatively affected by smell. Problem is, we’re affected in different ways. Let me explain.

A study done by scientists from Northwestern University’s School of Medicine on scent and likeability reported that imperceptible levels of scents affect our judgment in unconscious way.

The scientists used three scents at different levels of concentration; from imperceptible to perceptible. The scents were: lemon (good), sweat (bad) and ethereal (neutral). After participants sniffed a sample, they were shown a photo of a human face with a neutral expression and were asked to rate the person’s likeability. Here’s what happened.

When the scent was perceptible to the participants, they were able to discount the odor and evaluate just the faces. However, when the odor was barely perceptible, their judgments about likeability were biased. What does that mean?

Your body is giving off an odor and people are quickly and unconsciously taking that piece of information into account in deciding if they like you or not. That may sound unfair, but like many of the laws of likeability, it is what it is. You either smell good to someone or you don’t.

Now comes the real problem. Different people find the same scent both attractive and unattractive. For example, my neighbor has a night blooming jasmine plant in his yard that we can smell every evening after the sun goes down. Both my wife and I love the smell. It reminds me of a fragrant sugary candy that I used to enjoy as a child known as candy buttons. However, there are people who find the smell offensive.

Another example is an organic by-product of the neem tree we use to fertilize our haliconias. Both of my sons and I find the smell intolerable, where my wife and her female friends find it virtually odorless. Based on this experiment alone, I am completely persuaded that different smells have different reactions to different people.

Another study by Claud Wedekind, a biologist at the University of Lausanne, had 44 men wear a t-shirt for two nights. The t-shirts where then sniffed by 49 women and rated for levels of attractiveness. A higher percentage of the women preferred the odor of the t-shirts worn by men who were immunologically different to them. However, women who were on birth control pills showed preference for men with similar (MHC) or Major Histocompatibility Complex profiles to their own. You can read more about the study and the science behind the study here.

The point once again is … different people are attracted to different odors. So how can you use this knowledge to make yourself likeable?

To start, understand that smell matters. No one likes to smell someone who generates a bad odor. Basic hygiene is a good start. Take a shower, watch what you eat, brush your teeth, use deodorant, wear clean clothes. These tasks will hide a bad odor, but how do you generate a good, attractive, likable odor?

This is where you need to take a risk and ask your partner when they find your smell most attractive. Allow them to choose or suggest your shampoo, soap, perfume, cologne, deodorant etc. Ask them to tell you when you do and don’t smell good and explain why.

Follow these simple suggestions and you will be well on your way to a happier, healthier more enjoyable life.

If you have a story about smell as it relates to attractiveness or likeability, please tell us about it in the comment section below.