Likeability

When you focus on helping people like themselves, they will find a way to return the favor. They will hire you, buy from you, refer you to their friends, listen to you, respect your opinion, vote for you, support you and befriend you.

Knowing how to get people to like themselves is the key to being liked. It’s the key to happiness, longevity, health and success. Enjoy the site!

Bob Sommers
The Likeability Guy

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Skype Your Way To Being Likeable

I had another interesting conversation about likeability with my son Joel last night. We were talking about the different behavior people demonstrate on Skype and what we learned about ourselves and others while using it.

The Human Experiment

If you’re not familiar with Skype, it’s a free Internet based video conferencing tool. If you and the person you want to communicate with have a computer, a video camera and a fast Internet connection, you can see and speak to each other over the Internet for free.

Skype is not only a very cool way to communicate with family and friends, it also provides an amazing insight into human nature and likeability.

When you skype with someone, you’ll see a video of them and a video of yourself on your computer screen. And, unlike talking to someone in person where you have an opportunity to look directly into their eyes, when you use Skype you have to look into the camera in order to create the illusion that your looking at them. If you don’t, the person on the other end of the connection will think you’re distracted and not paying attention.

What Do You Do?

People do one of three things when they Skype: they look directly into the camera, they look at the video of the person they’re speaking to, or they look at themselves. All three are problematic and here’s why.

When you look directly into the camera, it looks to the person on the other end of the connection as if you’re looking directly at them. The problem however, is that when you look into the camera, you’re missing the show. You’re not able to see the video of the person you’re talking to … which was what made this technology so amazing in the first place.

This Is How A Teleprompter Works

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s very hard to carry on a conversation with an unresponsive video camera for an extended length of time. It give you about as much feedback as an employee at the DMV when you try to persuade them why the answer to question number six on the drivers test is wrong.

The second option is to look at the video of the person your talking to. It seems like the natural thing to do, but it will not provide the results you expect. When you look at their video, it looks to them as if you’re looking off into the distance.

The final option, which is the worst and most common thing people do when using Skype, is to look at yourself during the conversation. It’s not only narcissistic, but it creates the feeling that you’re not paying attention to them … which you’re not, because you’re paying attention to yourself.

Both Joel and I have had enough experience on Skype to know that this is true, and we admitted to each other that we do the same thing.

Here’s what we decided to do in order to project our attention to each other using this tool. Whether we actually do the next time we Skype is yet to be seen.

Now What?

Start by hiding the video of you on your computer. This will help you avoid the temptation to look at yourself during the conversation. You can either move it off screen or minimize the window so that it does not show.

Then, reduce the size of the video of the person you’re talking to and move their video window directly under your camera. The closer their video is to your camera, the more it will create the illusion that you’re looking at them during the conversation.

Look directly into the camera. This takes practice … a lot of practice. It’s an unnatural thing to do, but it will give you the results you’re looking for.

When I was younger I made a commercial for Federal Express. Memorizing my lines were hard enough, but looking directly into the TV camera while delivering them was impossible. I found myself looking at everyone in the room including the cameraman, the director and the producer.

You Have To See This For Yourself

After a dozen takes, the director asked me to look at the results of my work. He played back the video and I was stunned to find how awkward and inattentive I looked. After that, I had no problem looking directly into the camera and the results were great.

And finally, knowing that the majority of people are more concerned about how they look than how you look, start your conversation by giving them an external compliment. Tell them how wonderful they look and be specific.

Not only will they appreciate you noticing, but if you follow their eyes during your compliment, you will be able to determine exactly where and how often they look at themselves during your conversation … and  it’s a lot.

Don’t let this hurt your feelings. Odds are, the person you’re conferencing with doesn’t know any better, and even if they did, it’s unlikely they will change their behavior.

Things Will Never Be The Same

The secret to demonstrating your likeability on Skype, or on any other video conferencing system, is to do what is unnatural. Talk to the camera and only look at the video of the person you’re speaking to briefly. Don’t worry about not looking at them during your conversation, they will look at themselves enough to make up for both of you. That’s life in the 21st Century.

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Puttin’ On The Ritz

Every so often the universe goes into overdrive to get a message through to me, and recently she’s been working overtime. I’m sure she sees it as divine intervention, but I see it as being a little pushy. Either way, I get the message and it always serves me. I just wish she wasn’t so in-your-face about it.

Good Morning, Good Afternoon And Good Evening

Last month I read a fascinating article by my friend and the author of “Go-Givers Sell More,” Bob Burg. Bob wrote about how the people who work at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel greet their guests. Rather than using slang terms like, “How are ya?” or “How ya doin?” the employees greet their guests with, “Good morning,” “Good afternoon” or “Good evening.”  In essence, they’re Puttin’ On The Ritz.

The term “Puttin’on the Ritz” has been around for the last 80+ years. It’s original meaning was inspired by the very classy Ritz-Carlton Hotel which first opened in Boston in 1927 and it was promoted by the musical film, “Puttin on the Ritz” by Harry Richmond in 1930. At that time, the term meant to dress up stylishly, which is the positive connotation that term still holds today.

Puttin’ On The Ritz By Taco

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Over the years however, a negative connotation has crept into the meaning of that phrase. Today it is used both as a compliment and an insult depending on where and how it’s used.

On the positive side it means to improve your appearance, not only in the way you dress, but also in the way you carry yourself. It represents being the best you, you can be.

On the negative side it’s used to describe someone who looks foolish by trying too hard to impress others. Someone who looks and feels awkward because they’re out of their element.

Honey, You’re Not Going To Believe This

A few days after I read Bob’s article, I received a call from my son Joel telling me that the Ritz-Carlton had offered him a job in Naples, Florida at their flagship property. He went on to tell me that he was planning to attend their orientation class in the next few days.

In the past I would have been shocked to learn that one of the most prestigious hotels in the world would have hired anyone without training or experience in the hospitality industry. But not today, and not when it comes to either of my sons. After watching them both flawlessly apply the laws of likeability with everyone they’ve ever met, I wasn’t surprised that the Ritz hired Joel on the spot. I’ve come to expect nothing less.

What did surprise me however was that he accepted the job. This is not the path I would have expected my free spirited, very likable and musically talented son to follow. It’s not like he ever refused to wear the standard issue top hat, tails and cane when we lunched in the Hamptons, it’s just that I’ve always seen him as a touring musician, a teacher or the owner of a sidewalk cafe in Paris. Accepting a job at the Ritz, that surprised me.

Before we hung up, I asked if he would do me a favor and confirm if what Bob Burg wrote about how the employees at the Ritz greeted each other was true. Here’s what he discovered.

Formality Counts, But It’s Trumped By Being Genuine

Yes, it was true that the Ritz-Carlton does encourage all of their employees to greet their guests using the more formal greeting. But, in a very Ritz-Carlton fashion, the woman leading the orientation told the new hires that it was more important that they use their genuine greeting, rather than the more formal and approved Ritz-Carlton greeting, at least initially. Their hope was that every employee would soon feel comfortable offering the more formal greeting.

Now Here Comes The Part You Didn’t Expect

After two days of working at the Ritz, my son quit. And, if you’re like most people including many of his friends and family members, you’re probably thinking, what a fool! Why would anyone leave a job at the Ritz-Carlton after only two days, especially when jobs are so hard to find during this deep recession. Here’s the answer.

According to Joel, there were two reasons he decided to walk away from what could have become a very profitable career choice at the Ritz-Carlton.

Here’s What I Noticed

The first thing he noticed while working at the Ritz was the culture. The Ritz-Carlton caters to a specific group of people and they serve them in a very specific way. After watching how the employees interacted with their guests, Joel decided that this was outside of his comfort zone. He did not want to come to work everyday and feel like he had to be “Puttin’ on the Ritz” to connect with this customers. It wasn’t natural for him. It wasn’t genuine for him. It was against everything he knew to be true about honestly connecting with people.

The second thing he noticed was that the employees who excelled at the Ritz-Carlton were also “Puttin’ on the Ritz” and they were in their element. They were coming to work every day and being the best them they could be. They were genuine. They were happy. They were a perfect match for the Ritz-Carlton Hotel.

The Ritz-Carlton vs. Disney

The Ritz offers great customer service, but so does Disney. These are two very different companies catering to two very different guests and both pride themselves and have built world class reputations for service.

Employees at both companies earn their living by “Puttin’on the Ritz.” And by that I mean dressing to the hilt and carrying themselves in an appropriate manner to meet the expectations of their audience. But you would have to agree that even though the service is equally spectacular at both companies, their method of delivering that service in a genuine way is completely different.

Can you imagine having bathroom attendants at Disney World or having Pluto and Dumbo greet you at the desk when you check-in to the Ritz-Carlton Hotel?

The Universe Is Knocking. Are You Listening?

Being genuine is critical when it comes to being liked. If you don’t feel like you can be yourself in a particular place, you’re in the wrong place … even if that place is as spectacular as the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Naples, Florida.

As Polonius said in the First Act of Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

I’ve struggled with this lesson my entire life and I still find that I put myself in circumstances where I pretend to be someone I’m  not. I don’t like the way I act and I’m sure the people with me don’t either.

Don’t wait for the Universe to use your son or daughter or spouse or friend to remind you how important being genuine is to your happiness. Learn what you can from Joel and move on with your life, there are thousands of other wonderful lessons just waiting for you to discover.

When you’re true to yourself, you will be true to others. When you’re true to others, they will like you, respect you and be true to you in return. Count on it!

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The Sweetest Sound

Do you now the sweetest sound in the world? It’s your name of course. Calling someone by their name is the quickest way to grab and hold their attention. It works with animals too.

What’s In A Name?

Back in the day when I was giving 150 speeches a year on customer service, someone recorded a presentation I gave on the subject of names. I think you will enjoy this little story about how the employees of a new restaurant in Marietta, Georgia used this technique to become an overnight success. You can do the same.

Just click the PLAY button below.

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The Personal Value Of A Recommendation

As a full time Internet marketer, I know the value of a good testimonial and the role it plays in the sales process. Testimonials are one of the best forms of proof that a product or service really works.

Over the years, I’ve written hundreds of testimonials and I’ve received just as many in return. But it wasn’t until I read a couple of recommendations people wrote for me on Linked-In that I fully understood the value of a personal recommendation and how it differs from a testimonial. For the record, a great recommendation is much better!

Testimonial vs Recommendation

When you provide a testimonial, you’re writing your opinion about a product or a service. A great testimonial quickly conveys the message that the product or service works and that you were delighted with the results.

When you provide a recommendation however, you’re sharing your opinion about a living, breathing human being. A great recommendation can convey the message that the person you’re writing about is smart, witty, charming, a hard worker, tenacious, diligent, easy to get along with and an all around fantastic human being to know. It’s personal and true.

Don’t Stop

I’m not suggesting that you stop writing testimonials, far from it. When you take the time to write a meaningful testimonial to the person who sold you a product or service, you’re literally giving them a tool they can use to earn a living. I certainly appreciate a sincere testimonial and I find myself liking the person who wrote it.

On the other hand, when you take the time to write a recommendation, especially if it is unsolicited and unexpected, the person you wrote it for will cherish it … and you forever. A sincere personal recommendation will serve them from job to job, sale to sale and parole officer to parole officer.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Kindergarten Teachers Rock

I still use a recommendation I received from my kindergarten teacher to persuade my wife that she married Mr. Right. I find myself presenting it to her at least once a year on our anniversary.

Bobby Sommers is a wonderful boy. He’s charming, sweet and a good listener … at least some of the time. He should make a good husband one day.

Do This Now

If you really want to win someone over and generate a strong feeling of liking, take a few minutes and write them a one paragraph recommendation. It does not need to be any longer than a few sentences. If you want to see what a great recommendation looks like, go to Linkedin and see what people are writing about each other. Some of the recommendations will bring you to tears they’re so moving.

Now That You’ve Done The Hard Part, Do This

Then, post your recommendation to sites like Linked-In for others to see and print a copy on your letterhead and send it to the person you’re recommending in the mail. Wow!

You may also want to attach a note that reads, “I don’t know if or when you’ll need a recommendation from me, but when that day comes I want you to let the person who asks for your recommendation to know how I feel about you.

Imagine how you would feel if you received a letter like this in the mail from someone you admired. So please, take a moment right now and write a recommendation to someone who needs a pick-me-up that will last a lifetime.

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Can You Keep A Secret?

I Love These People

I had an opportunity to speak on Likeability to the Hospitality Sales and Marketing Association of Maui (HSMA) recently. What a great group of people. Not only are they fun and good looking, but they taught me a thing or two about likeability that I had not considered before.

These folks are the best of the best of the best when it comes to being likable. Not only are they friendly and extremely approachable, but they’re hospitality experts. That’s what they do for a living.

One of the sweetest people in all of Hawaii, Stacey Sills of Sills Creative Promotional Productions was in attendance. I don’t see Stacey very often, but when I do, I know I’m looking into face of likeability.

I Knew When I Liked Her

After my speech, I had a lighthearted conversation about likeability with Stacey and Gail Tanaka, the sales manager of the Makena Golf Course. During our conversation, Gail said,

“I knew the exact moment when I liked Stacey. It was when she shared something personal about herself with me. I was honored that she felt comfortable enough to entrust me with her secret. Since that time, I’ve shared some personal things about myself with Stacey too.”

People share private and personal information with people they trust. And even though trust is not likeability, it’s one of the ways to get there.

Here’s How It Works

When you trust someone enough to tell them a secret, you make them feel important and worthy of your trust. When you make them feel important and worthy, they will like you in return.

So if you want to become more likable, tell the person you want to like you a secret or something personal. Common sense dictates and I strongly suggest that you don’t do this with everyone you meet. But, it’s a wonderful way to build your likeability with the people you trust.

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Tie Your Shoes And Say Thank You

Where It Began

Among other things, my brother Dan is a high school soccer coach for a group of young men at Bishop LeBlond High School in St. Joseph, Missouri. And if you’re wondering why St. Joseph, Missouri sounds familiar, it’s because that’s where the Pony Express started in April of 1860.

I often think of the oath taken by the young men who rode for the Pony Express and the impact it must have had on their life and the lives of those who entrusted them with their most private thoughts. At the same time, it saddens me to think that a mere 150 years later, many employees don’t hold themselves to the same standards as did those who rode for the Pony Express.

The Oath Of  Office

“I do hereby swear before the great and living God that during my engagement with Russell, Majors and Waddell, I will under no circumstances use profane language, that I will drink no intoxicating liquors, that I will not quarrel or fight with other employees of the firm, and that in every respect I will conduct myself honestly, be faithful in my duties, and so direct all my acts as to win the confidence of my employers. So help me God.”

Imagine A World …

Imagine living in a community where every employee and elected official took an oath stating that they will be “faithful to their duties and direct all of their acts to win the confidence of their employer.” Where has that work ethic gone? Why is it that so many young people entering the workforce feel they are entitled to a job and that showing up to work and actually working is an option? Is this the work ethic that we baby boomers are responsible for teaching our children?

Passions and Gifts

As I mentioned earlier, my brother Dan is the soccer coach for a group of boys in St. Joseph, Missouri. He has a passion for the sport and he still plays competitively at 50 years old. Soccer is his passion, but teaching is his gift.

My brother is a great dad and wonderful coach. The kids love him and they get a kick out of his humorous and unorthodox way of teaching soccer skills. But this is not how they’re going to remember him when they become dads. No, they will describe Coach Sommers to their children as the man who taught them how to tie their shoes and say, “thank you.”

We Were Like Brothers. Wait, We Are Brothers!

Dan and I were very close when we were children. I was one year older and he was five years wiser. Life has taken us in different directions. He lives in St. Joseph with his family, and I live 4,000 miles away in Hawaii with mine. So when we have an opportunity to talk on the phone, I cherish every minute.

When we last spoke, he told me that he just finished his first soccer practice of the season with the new boys at Bishop LeBlond High School. When I asked him what skills he taught, his answer surprised me. He said he taught the boys how to tie their shoes and say, “thank you.”

This Is Frustrating

He went on to explain that one of his greatest frustrations as a coach was having to watch one of his players stop and tie his shoe while the game continued on around him. “When a player loses his shoe during a game,” he said, “It shows me and the rest of the team that they’re not prepared. And if they aren’t prepared, I can’t count on them to do the job they were entrusted to do.”

“My other great frustration,” he said, “Is when a coach or a parent from the other team chases down a ball that goes out of bounds and gives it back it to one of my players, and he doesn’t say, “thank you.” His lack of respect is not only embarrassing, but it casts a dark shadow over the entire team. If they don’t respect others, others won’t respect them. If they don’t appreciate others, they won’t be appreciated by others … no matter how skilled they are at what you do.”

Life Skills

According to Dan, the two most important skills his players must possess if they want to play soccer on his team are to be prepared to do the job they were entrusted to do, and to do it in such a way that everyone wants to see them succeed. And it starts with tying your shoes and saying, thank you. Those are the skill that will serve my players for a lifetime.” Dan said. “Everything else is just kicking a ball around a field with your friends.”

Coach Dan Sommers is teaching these young men how to become the next generation of proud riders for the Pony Express. Or, maybe he’s teaching them how to ride for Apple or General Electric or Google or fill in the blank. He’s instilling a skill they will benefit from for the rest of their lives and he’s disguising it as soccer practice. Genius!

I love you Dan. You’re my inspiration!

Dan Sommers
Financial Consultant
Nodaway Valley Investment Services
402 N. Belt Highway at Faraon
St.Joseph, MO 64506
816-901-4606
www.uvest.com
daniel.sommers@uvestmail.com

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What Nancy Pelosi Can Learn From The Likeability Guy

Full Disclosure

It’s only fair that I start this article by disclosing the fact that I’m not a Democrat nor am I a Republican. I spend very little time watching the news or reading about politics in the paper, but when I do, I’m shocked at how our politicians pay so little attention to something as important as their likeability.

You may have seen or read the most recent article in POLITICO that came out today concerning the approval rating of the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. The numbers were terrible. This is what she had to say about them to POLITICO.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is one of the most despised political figures in the country.

And, frankly, she doesn’t give a damn.

“No, I don’t care,” Pelosi told POLITICO last Thursday, laughing heartily as she walked beneath the Capitol dome and plunged into a crowd of tourists …

… “I certainly want to be trusted. I’m not particularly concerned if I’m liked.”

A Human Being First

Let me start by telling you that Nancy Pelosi is a human being first and a politician next. And even though she said, “I’m not particularly concerned if I’m liked,” she does care if she’s liked. Everyone cares. But like most people who have had their feelings hurt, she decided to tell the public that it doesn’t matter to her … when it does.

What Happens When You Tell People Their Opinion Doesn’t Matter?

Making that statement is just one more way to be seen as unlikeable. When you tell people that you don’t care if they like you, what you’re implying is that they are not important enough for you to care what they think. And when you tell people that they are not important, they are not going to like you.

There are over a dozen things I would suggest to Nancy Pelosi to improve her likeability, and I’m going to start with this suggestion.

You Do Care

Reach out to the public and tell them how you really feel. Tell them that you do care if they like you and that their opinion of you is important.  Tell them that it hurts your feelings to know that people don’t like you and that you’re going to work on being more likable. And then (here comes the hard part) don ‘t say another word on the subject. Don’t give a reason or an excuse or try to explain why you said what you said  other than to admit that you do care.

The Bad News: Nancy Pelosi has a massive likeability problem.

The Good News: She can become more likeable without giving up her liberal values.

Take a look at the characteristics of likable people and rate the Speaker of the House in each category. Please come back to this post and leave you comment on what you think she can do to improve her likability. I will forward your comment onto the Speaker of the House.

Aloha, Bob Sommers

The Likeability Guy

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